T-minus 10 days

[Picture Lynne's shocked, terrified, excited, relieved face.]

Yes. All of those emotions at once. Weddings do that to people.

Everything's done. Kind of. A few errands to run this weekend. A few pictures to print. A few details to iron out and then this show will be on the road!

The past month has positively FLOWN by. Not getting to my home until around 9:30 p.m. every night (after work and visiting Kit) certainly helps the strange distortion of time.

Today we went and got a wedding license from the county clerk. It was a nice seamless experience and then all of a sudden we had a wedding license! Next Saturday around 9:40 a.m. we will walk into a room, kneel down, and then a few minutes later, we will be married! Just like that! Very, very strange. Marriage has always been this distant, other-worldly institution that I have imagined, but never experienced.

Strange as it is though, there is no one that I would rather embark on this grand adventure with than the man I am sitting next to. And that is a wonderful feeling.

The DI is a gold mine

I just saved literally hundreds of dollars at the D.I. today. My mom and I bought dozens of perfectly good frames and perfectly good vases for the wedding. Perfectly good. Every time you get flowers, you get a nice vase with it. Nobody needs more than a handful of vases. Every time you move or if you ever have to clean out someone's house, what are you going to do with all of the frames they had? Give them to the D.I.

I highly recommend it.

I love being engaged

Everyone says that being engaged is the pits, which I can understand, I guess. You are stuck between two phases of your life--a terrible limbo in which you fall more in love with a person everyday and would LOVE to be married to them, but aren't. Yet. You have a million decisions to make, some of which involve quite a bit of money. You are trying to negotiate making several parties happy about all of the said decisions, and you are doing this all whilst trying to maintain and build relationships with your fiance and family and friends.

But, all of the drawbacks aside, I absolutely LOVE being engaged. (Wow. I accidentally typed 'married' instead of 'engaged' just then. Freudian? . . . ) I am positively thrilled when I introduce Cute Boy as my fiance. I love telling everyone I know how important he is to me and how excited I am to build a life together. I love making wedding decisions and I love deciding when something for the wedding simply isn't worth worrying about.

And I love being somebody's future wife. Especially because it's Cute Boy. I love him and I'm just ecstatic that in a little under 8 weeks he will be my husband. Is there anything better?

(P.S. I will answer my own question here. Yes, there is something better. Being married! ;-)

wedding, wedding, wedding

I'm getting married, did you hear?!

I have the sparkly proof on my finger.

The day is February 19, 2011. What a great day.

In the meantime, there's lots still to do! I don't know how girls plan weddings while they are working or in school. For example, today I got a bracelet and some little thingys to go in my hair. Still need to find shoes to wear (looking for 1-2" beige or tan heels, any ideas?). Still need to figure out the make-up situation... (Dan? Sephora? You and me?) Still need to gather addresses and figure out how we are doing invitations (this is a priority). Still need to find a photographer, although we have a few good leads. (This is also a priority). Still need to schedule other stuff (like when to take pictures) and when to go apartment shopping. Still need to answer the question, "To have a car, or not to have a car?" A few reception details to plan out . . . etc. etc. (What are we going to eat? Should we have the silly ribbons on the chairs? Would it look silly?) Still need to learn about and order a cake from someone or somewhere.

Man, it's totally do-able, but takes work and prioritization. And keeping your eyes on the things that are most pressing, the soonest. For example, right now, making a decision about announcements and picking a photographer are deadlines that are coming up PRONTO. I have to make sure not to spend too much time looking for shoes (it's SO much fun to look for shoes! . . . but I guess it can wait . . . ) or looking for a get-away dress (again, very fun. But in a pinch, if I run out of time, I can wear some stuff I already own) instead of focusing on the things that really have the longest lead times.

When all is said and done, I will still be married and none of this will matter anymore! And that is the GREAT news!

Finals week, winding down

1. I painted my nails red. They are supposed to be red for Christmas, but they ended up a deep beautiful red. Red like blood. They are so fun! I love looking at them and typing with them and picking things up with them.

2. My finals week is pretty anti-climactic. I only had four finals to begin with, two are already done, and I can probably get another one mostly done during work tonight. My brain graduated weeks ago and I'm in the process of purging the classes for which I have already completed the final.

3. Having a wonderful job in which you get to work on homework is AWESOME . . . until you don't have homework to work on. Then it becomes very boring. Luckily I have a long "to do" list, but I still have to occasionally remind myself not to waste my life mindlessly surfing the Internet.

4. In celebration of a relaxed finals week, I started a new book. "Spoken from the Heart" by Laura Bush. I've mentioned before that I really enjoy biographies and this is no exception. I find her life fascinating. And I also very much enjoy reading the biographies of great women who married great men. Because, I have a suspicion that I will be married to a great man and I want to know what to do.

5. Speaking of said great man, I am patiently (and by patiently, I mean anxiously. And by anxiously, I mean really really anxiously.) waiting for him to, I don't know, make things official by putting a pretty, sparkly thing on my red, blood hands.

Man, my hands would look SO good . . .

Dear life

Dear Life,

I know you enjoy watching me squirm, but would you mind not being so unpredictable?

You know how I love to plan, how I love to have a pretty solid idea of where I will be in six months, and how I love, love, love to spend time developing things that I know will turn out to be a good investment?

Up to this point in my life, I have done a superb job of planning my existence. Don't you think? I planned out my major, I planned out internships, I planned out a study abroad, I balanced this all with jobs and relationships (which I also, sometimes, planned out). I did this to maximize my happiness and minimize the anxiety that comes from rampant uncertainty. And I think I have done a pretty good job so far.

Life, why won't you let me do the same now? Would you please settle down so that I can emotionally invest in a future? I don't want to become too fixated on a single idea, only to have it changed tomorrow.

It's hard for my heart.

Thank you.

Best,

Lynne

T-minus two weeks

I am in the final stretch of my undergraduate college career. This is it. The great tamale. The green mile. The end that I needed to endure to.

My computer is covered with star-shaped post-it notes that have tasks (things to do for school and things to do for work) and lists (grocery list, pre-move out list).

Then, without any pomp and circumstance, I will wake up one--probably snowy--day, eat some breakfast, look out the window, and realize over my unholy bowl of yogurt and granola that I AM a college graduate.

After probably choking on my foodstuffs from the suddenness of the realization, I will proceed to structure the remainder of my life.

What does one even do without school? Hobbies, you say? I'm not quite sure what that word even means, but I hope to discover very soon.

Photo booth: creating much needed diversions from studying since 2008

Computer eyes and study buddy.

Addendum

Addition to post below:

Sitting around the kitchen table using "Jimmer" as every form of speech and trying to disguise our voices so the BYU-Info lady doesn't realize we called her at 11:50 p.m. AND 11:55 p.m.

I have the great privilege of being a friend

I have the great privilege of being a friend.

As I prepare for graduation and reflect on my experience at BYU, I am staggered by the positive influence of hundreds of great people I have met here.

I guess I took some classes, got some grades, and "learned stuff" in college, but my academic experience pales in comparison to the experiences I have had with scores of decent, generous people.

I'm lucky to have many friends, but I am decidedly blessed to have a handful of very very close friends. Jerusalem. Choice apartments with excellent roommates. Washington Seminar. Writing Fellows. OACL. Group projects. Elms Ward. Colony Ward. Banbridge Ward.

I know this post is effusive and overly gushy, but as I look forward to a post-BYU life, I find myself emotionally overwhelmed! I have tremendous examples in my life. And they have changed me.

I'm excited to meet and become friends with many more people in the future, but I pause to remember all of the happy seasons I have seen, so far. And I have enjoyed them so immensely, that I'm hesitant to let them go.

But, then I look around and I realize I already have. Many of my closest friends are on missions right now. Many have moved away. Sometimes I hurt because I miss their uplifting presence in my life. But as I hesitantly leave one period of life, I find myself making deep friendships in the next as well. Steph in high school. Charlie and Allie my freshman year. Rachel, Jenessa, Erin, Holly and Sarah Jane in Jerusalem. Nicole, Jackie, Lindsey, Lana, Rachel, Andrea, Kelly, Abby and Emily in the Elms. Alyse in Writing Fellows. Abby, Rachel, and Kelli in Washington. Audrey, Dani, Rachelle in Banbridge. And I know the pattern will continue.

But I very much enjoy the memories! And they always make me smile. And usually laugh.

I don't even know where to begin. Road trip with Jenessa, Erin, and Holly. Sarah Jane cracking me up, pretty much with every word. Lana pantsing Lindsey. Getting lost in the Old City with Ness and Erin. Jenessa changing into a black shirt so I could cry on her shoulder. Emily spilling the contents of the blender all over the floor. Laughing so hard I cry. Andrea teaching me about testimony and kindness. Nicole teaching me about listening. Jenessa teaching me about caring. Erin, about fearlessness. Charlie reminding me not to take life too seriously. Allie teaching me about fashion. Liz, about reading. Lana, about mangoes. Walking into Abby's room like it was mine. Road trip with Rachel. Getting lost, yelling at the GPS, laughing, running, climbing up a waterfall, trying on wigs with Abby and Rachel. Pretending to be an english major with Alyse. Racquetball with Rachel. Running and running and running with Dani. Conversations about cupcakes turning into existential discussions. Sharing imperfections/insecurities. Nails with Audrey. RDJ with Audrey. Running from the parking lot to 8 a.m. logistics with Rachelle. Rachelle, Audrey, and Dani about laughing at life/laughing through life and that it's okay to be obsessed with HSM3. Talking for hours at the kitchen table. Kelli always encouraging me. Cupcakes and basketball with Kelli. Andrea teaching me about service and working hard. Encouraging notes left on my bed when I needed an encouraging word. Laughing and crying with every single person mentioned above.

Unfailing love.

I have the great privilege of being a friend.

0-13.1 miles in less than a year

Dani and I are now officially half-marathoners!

We dragged ourselves out of bed at 5:30 a.m., rolled to the shuttle bus, napped to aspen grove and then huddled in the heated tent. I forced myself to eat a cliff bar and most of that carbohydrate goo they gave us in our packet. Searching for porta-potties under a starry night sky and trying to nap on asphalt both sent Dani and I reeling back to our Red Rock Relay days...[nostalgic gaze into the distance]...

At 9:00 a.m. we lined up with approximately 2,300 other costume-bedeckt crazy people and started down the canyon. The first few miles were chaos. People everywhere! One girl fell early on and broke her wrist. A few people here and there started walking after about two miles.

I ran with Dani for about 5-6 miles. Neither of us ran with an iPod. It was a beautiful fall day and there were a lot of entertaining people/costumes to look at and think about.

2 hours and five minutes after taking off from the Stewart Falls parking lot, Dani finished. Ten minutes after that I finished. My legs felt really good, my lungs/heart felt really good, but my right ankle really hurt. I didn't sprain it, but it seems like some sort of deep tendon bruise.

At the end, Kit, Rachel, and Dani were waiting and cheering for me! It felt great! Then we went to celebrate at Five Guys. There's nothing like burning 1500 calories and then gaining them back again in one sitting. :-)

yes. YES.

Excerpt from the book on entrepreneurship that I am reading:

"Individuals need life structure. A life lacking in comprehensive structure is an aimless wreck. The absence of structure breeds breakdown. Structure provides the relatively fixed points of reference we need."

This is key. This is why school is so comforting. This is why busy days are better than lazy days. This is why not being in school is so ominous--the structure disappears into nebulous "intentions" to accomplish life goals. Transition is hard because structures change.

I identify with this because I find great comfort in consistent processes and try to implement them in my life wherever possible.

And while structure is something I need, the good news is it is also something that I know how to create. (You should see my google calendar...)

Alvin Toffler, The Third Wave. Quoted in The E-Myth Revisited, by Michael Gerber.

a snippet of my thoughts on a normal day

Oh. my. days.

Cute Boy is so stinkin cute.

It's ridic-a-lous.
He makes me smile. A lot.

That is all.

I want to start a business

I am sitting in my women entrepreneur lecture series class, thinking, "I could do that. I could do this."

Details to come of course.

Sunday blog on faith

One of my favorite things to do on Sunday is write in my journal or write on my blog. A la "Harry Potter," it's very peaceful for me to extract my thoughts and capture them in writing.

We had a wonderful church block today, kicked off with a talk by my former roommate Rachelle on faith--one of my favorite topics! She said a lot of very insightful things, but her comparison of her experience learning new, scary moves as a young gymnast to taking leaps of faith in our lives really stuck with me.

She described preparing to do a back handspring on the balance beam and being absolutely terrified. It was difficult for her to even comprehend literally throwing herself backwards into the unknown, not knowing if her hands would find the beam, worried about being off balance; wondering if her hands would buckle and not support her. It was quite literally a leap of faith. And it was terrifying.

But she related another gymnastic experience that taught her something else. She was learning a new flip on the floor. As soon as she bounced off the floor she knew something was wrong--her rotation speed made it impossible for her feet to find the floor before her head did. She was headed for certain disaster.

Then, before she knew it, she had stopped moving. Her feet were still up and her head was close to the floor, but she wasn't flying through the air anymore. Her coach, who was spotting her while she learned something new, recognized that she wasn't going to make it and caught her midair before she could get hurt.

Heavenly Father is our coach. Rachelle understood intellectually the gymnastic moves she was trying to learn, but she couldn't fully understand until she experienced them. And she couldn't learn what she needed to until she decided to take a literal leap of faith. Then, before she could fall, her coach caught her and helped her so she could try again.

She shared a myriad of other helpful ideas: faith is a decision; the direction you are going is more important than the size of your leap of faith; life is the sum of many, many leaps.

Then in Sunday School, Dallin used the book of Isaiah to teach us about what Christ has done for us, what He is now doing for us, and what He has promised in the future. It was wonderful to review all that is in store for us as God's children. Dallin ended with a very appropriate, very cute video clip about being actively patient while waiting for God's promises to be fulfilled.

Rachel rounded out the meeting block with a great lesson on the Restoration. We learned about dates and times, but one of her points was that we avoid distancing ourselves from the Spirit (personal apostacy) by continually experiencing personal restoration.

It was a wonderful three hours that renewed my resolve to have more faith, have more patience, and to continually restore and renew my personal spirituality.

Dear women who sit on the couches in the restroom and eat lunch,

Do you really find it appetizing to sit in a small room whilst tons of people traipse past you to use the facilities?

If you're trying to find a quiet place to eat, I suggest . . . anywhere else.

If you're trying to get away from people, maybe you should just eat in the corner.

If you're lonely, let me know. We'll sit down and chat. OUTside the restroom.

If you're trying to gross me out and make me self-conscious, you're doing a great job.

Sincerely,

Lynne

Fall is for football

[contented sigh]

I love this.

General Conference is like the Superbowl for Mormons

1. We anticipate it for days, weeks, months

2. We try to find a really big TV to watch it on, and turn it up really loud

3. It takes over our weekend and even after experiencing it want to relive it over and over

4. We invite all our friends over to enjoy it together

5. Some people get a little too emotional

6. We prepare by assembling treats and other delicious concoctions

7. We consider it a great experience, embroiled in tradition and emotion

and, last but not least . . .

7. Everyone's facebook statuses reflect something about it for three days before and three days after

Stay-at-home moms

(How can you resist these cute little girls? Speaking of little girls . . . can't wait for Alice's arrival this week!)

I recently read my friend's blog on this topic (it's about halfway down the page), and he said something that was really interested to me:

"If I expect my wife to stay at home all day with the kids, would I be willing to do the same? If not, how could I expect that of her?

"And why couldn’t I stay at home with the kids? Isn’t raising a family the most important part of this life? Isn’t fatherhood a divine calling? Well, honestly, I just wouldn’t feel fulfilled! Being at home ALL DAY - I have never imagined myself in that position. I have built up this expectation of myself as a working man; staying at home all day just seems crazy! I need the intellectual stimulus that comes from working or studying (or at least my culture has programmed me to think that I do)."

First, thank you Jeff for recognizing that it might not be easy for a smart, independent, social individual to make such a huge lifestyle change overnight. That being said, I think Swindle hit one of my greatest fears on the head: I'm terrified that staying at home all day will make me crazy. No social interaction with anyone above the age of three (except for husband) for days in a row? Just thinking about that makes me batty. What if I don't get dressed until noon everyday? What if I constantly have the television on in the background because I need the companionship it provides? What if I get so comfortable in my hermit, safe from the critical judgments of the world that I'm a wall-flower when I finally emerge? What if I grow my nails out really long, use tissue boxes for shoes and collect my own urine?!?! (Okay, okay . . . implying that I'll become Howard Hughes might be a step too far . . . )

But then again, working full-time while trying to be a mom and keep a household together sounds worse. I can't imagine missing such a large part of my children's development and learning process. I want them to know, as I knew in my youth, that their mom puts them first no matter what. Their mom will be there to drive them to soccer practice, make them a snack, be a shoulder to cry on, launder their dirty clothes etc. etc. A life of a mother working full-time seems very frenetic. The image in my mind's eye is a woman who is barely holding it together. Just trying to get from day to day; reigning the chaos in as best as possible.

So what's the solution? Transition from being in an environment of intellectual stimulation and social support to isolation and boredom? Yuck. Hopefully not. There must be a balance. And because of my natural aversions to being alone, I think one my greatest challenges will be to actively seek and adjust this balance in my life.

Some ideas that I can experiment with:

-Make my home a refuge. As nerdy as it sounds, one of the things I am most excited about is organizing the cleaning closet in my future home. I've waited my whole life to have a space that I can create and maintain my own "systems" in.

-Cultivate adult friendships (just having kids doesn't mean you don't get to be an adult). One of the greatest characteristics of cute boy is his friendliness and affability. I know that we'll always have a lot of friends.

-Serve in the community. I think I am going to have a lot of latent energy that I will need to direct toward productive channels. City council meetings. School board. Ward callings. ANYTHING that I can sign up for, I think I will.

-Pursue part-time opportunities. My mom taught one night a week. It was perfect. There's got to be something I can teach the world. Or, maybe I could start my own business from home. If the right business opportunity comes up, I fully expect myself to jump on it.

-Learn, learn, learn. And learn some more. My mom set the good example of listening to book tapes when doing things around the house. While I will probably need some Rihanna or Lee DeWyze to get me in the groove occasionally, I think this is a good habit. Even though I'm not actively in the workforce full-time, I can still read business books, biographies, fiction--whatever I want. When we put in a garden, I can use the research and synthesis skills that I have developed in college to put in the best darn garden you've ever seen.

Mostly I worry that I will be "the time-traveler's wife" and spend the majority of my life waiting for my husband to come home. But ultimately, I think I'm going to be okay. I'll find a rhythm and I'm sure the seasons of my life will come and go more quickly than I am ready.

The search

I'm sitting in my bed. I can see my USB-pen from one of the big-four accounting firms poking out of the pocket of a backpack from a large supply-chain-related company. The superglue and post-its I received from the competitor of the first supply-chain-related company are across the room.

I'm drowning in free loot from recruiters. But in my head, I'm desperately trying to figure out a way to sabotage my performance in my last required classes so I don't have to graduate in December. That way I could stop this job hunting madness.

I think they must have to bribe us to apply for jobs because it's such a stinky process. It takes a lot of effort and time, and most of the work/applications you complete won't mean anything when it's all over. You spend a lot of time researching companies and positions, but it's very difficult to actually get a feel for what you're signing up for when you take a salaried position. . . you can easily gauge if you like the recruiter or not, but what does that have to do with anything?

Interviews are like first dates. Both parties have showed at least nominal interest and passed baseline compatibility requirements. Then, you try to impress each other--sometimes by showing more interest than actually exists. Both parties posture endlessly because they want to "hook" the other one, so they can possess the higher ground in the relationship.

The goal of the first date (I mean, interview) is to lead to a second date. And the goal of a second date is to lead to a fly-back (meeting the family) or an offer (this term applies in dating too). This continues until either party decides they're not interested anymore. When that happens, either by direct notification or by tacit silence, one party might feel hurt, misled even. But they have to understand that accepting a job that isn't a good fit won't benefit anyone involved.

Unlike dating, at least interviews go through this emotional rollercoaster within a time period of a few weeks--if you're going to rip off a band-aid, do it quick. If you're going to "make an offer" just do it so both of you can move on.

One last thought: not only is job hunting a pain, it's a time-intensive pain. It takes me away from school, from cute boy, from work and from many other activities that are worth my time. The crazy thing is, when considering the amount of happiness/effect on my life that these various activities have, the priorities are clear. Said cute boy is without a doubt the most important, because he will have the greatest impact on my life and my happiness in the future. Job hunting comes next. School and work come last. (Who's going to remember bombing one measly midterm during my last semester?) However, those priorities are not always accurately represented in the way I spend my time.

Sigh. I think I'll go relax by estimating the cost-benefit analysis using my external ten-key so thoughtfully donated by the accounting firm mentioned above.