Stay-at-home moms

(How can you resist these cute little girls? Speaking of little girls . . . can't wait for Alice's arrival this week!)

I recently read my friend's blog on this topic (it's about halfway down the page), and he said something that was really interested to me:

"If I expect my wife to stay at home all day with the kids, would I be willing to do the same? If not, how could I expect that of her?

"And why couldn’t I stay at home with the kids? Isn’t raising a family the most important part of this life? Isn’t fatherhood a divine calling? Well, honestly, I just wouldn’t feel fulfilled! Being at home ALL DAY - I have never imagined myself in that position. I have built up this expectation of myself as a working man; staying at home all day just seems crazy! I need the intellectual stimulus that comes from working or studying (or at least my culture has programmed me to think that I do)."

First, thank you Jeff for recognizing that it might not be easy for a smart, independent, social individual to make such a huge lifestyle change overnight. That being said, I think Swindle hit one of my greatest fears on the head: I'm terrified that staying at home all day will make me crazy. No social interaction with anyone above the age of three (except for husband) for days in a row? Just thinking about that makes me batty. What if I don't get dressed until noon everyday? What if I constantly have the television on in the background because I need the companionship it provides? What if I get so comfortable in my hermit, safe from the critical judgments of the world that I'm a wall-flower when I finally emerge? What if I grow my nails out really long, use tissue boxes for shoes and collect my own urine?!?! (Okay, okay . . . implying that I'll become Howard Hughes might be a step too far . . . )

But then again, working full-time while trying to be a mom and keep a household together sounds worse. I can't imagine missing such a large part of my children's development and learning process. I want them to know, as I knew in my youth, that their mom puts them first no matter what. Their mom will be there to drive them to soccer practice, make them a snack, be a shoulder to cry on, launder their dirty clothes etc. etc. A life of a mother working full-time seems very frenetic. The image in my mind's eye is a woman who is barely holding it together. Just trying to get from day to day; reigning the chaos in as best as possible.

So what's the solution? Transition from being in an environment of intellectual stimulation and social support to isolation and boredom? Yuck. Hopefully not. There must be a balance. And because of my natural aversions to being alone, I think one my greatest challenges will be to actively seek and adjust this balance in my life.

Some ideas that I can experiment with:

-Make my home a refuge. As nerdy as it sounds, one of the things I am most excited about is organizing the cleaning closet in my future home. I've waited my whole life to have a space that I can create and maintain my own "systems" in.

-Cultivate adult friendships (just having kids doesn't mean you don't get to be an adult). One of the greatest characteristics of cute boy is his friendliness and affability. I know that we'll always have a lot of friends.

-Serve in the community. I think I am going to have a lot of latent energy that I will need to direct toward productive channels. City council meetings. School board. Ward callings. ANYTHING that I can sign up for, I think I will.

-Pursue part-time opportunities. My mom taught one night a week. It was perfect. There's got to be something I can teach the world. Or, maybe I could start my own business from home. If the right business opportunity comes up, I fully expect myself to jump on it.

-Learn, learn, learn. And learn some more. My mom set the good example of listening to book tapes when doing things around the house. While I will probably need some Rihanna or Lee DeWyze to get me in the groove occasionally, I think this is a good habit. Even though I'm not actively in the workforce full-time, I can still read business books, biographies, fiction--whatever I want. When we put in a garden, I can use the research and synthesis skills that I have developed in college to put in the best darn garden you've ever seen.

Mostly I worry that I will be "the time-traveler's wife" and spend the majority of my life waiting for my husband to come home. But ultimately, I think I'm going to be okay. I'll find a rhythm and I'm sure the seasons of my life will come and go more quickly than I am ready.